Setting emotional and personal boundaries is a relatively new subject within pop culture. As discussed in the previous blog, 'Being kind to yourself', we can be taught to put others' needs before our own from a young age. For example, simple instructions from parents, such as 'give your little brother a hug even if you don't want to', can teach us to put others' needs before our own. This sentiment often grows with us to adulthood, with most of us not wanting to cause emotional harm to someone else, even though this could result in us harming ourselves.
If we don't have and set healthy personal boundaries, this could lead to feelings of exhaustion and burnout, which can hurt your emotional and physical health. Furthermore, a lack of boundaries can negatively affect all aspects of your life including work, relationships, and self-worth. Suppose we feel that expressing our needs is an act of selfishness. In that case, this makes us more susceptible to being taken advantage of and we end up in unhealthy relationships, family patterns, and work environments, which worsens our overall health.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the terms and conditions we need to meet to feel happy, comfortable and safe. There are many personal boundaries, some irrelevant to certain relationships, for example, you are unlikely to need to set financial boundaries with a co-worker. Boundaries can fall into several categories, including but not limited to:
Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries can keep you safe in all interactions, including with family, friends, and co-workers. For example, you could request handshakes over hugs with co-workers. Or you could want your family to stay out of your bathroom and knock before they enter your bedroom.
Emotional boundaries: Emotional boundaries protect your mental wellbeing. For example, you could tell your partner that you don't want to talk about work for an hour after coming home. You could also tell your family that you don't want to be asked about your plans to have children and that you will not be upset by their reaction to you setting that boundary. These boundaries help prevent you from feeling overwhelmed or upset.
Time boundaries: Time boundaries help prevent you from being burnt out or from pleasing people. An example of a time boundary is enforcing that you put your phone on DND during your lunch break at work. You could set them with your family and friends by saying that you want to keep Tuesday evenings to yourself and will not attend to plans made this evening.
Financial/material boundaries: Financial boundaries protect things like your money and materials, such as your car or clothes. People often like to share and find it difficult to say no to others in need. By setting financial and material boundaries, you can prevent yourself from getting into financial trouble or being taken advantage of. One example of a financial boundary is telling your partner that you won't loan them money for a night out. Or your siblings can borrow your clothes, but they must return them thoroughly washed by the next day.
Sexual boundaries: Sexual boundaries help protect and make us comfortable with intimate partnerships. Sexual boundaries can include anything from needing verbal consent, setting out things that you are relaxed and uncomfortable with and how people communicate with you about your sex life.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries often fall into the two extremes of being too rigid or too flexible. Boundaries that are too rigid are usually a result of past trauma and a defence mechanism we have put in place to make ourselves safe. Which, in theory, is a good thing to practice however
when people's boundaries are too rigid, they may have adverse effects.
Adverse side effects of rigid boundaries:
- Your boundaries may seem controlling for example, if you require a partner to call you every day at 6pm,
- Rigid boundaries can keep loved ones at arm's length. If your boundaries are so firm you refuse to open up emotionally, people may feel that they can not get close to you and that your walls are too high.
- You can end up isolating yourself – if you are unwilling to be flexible with your time and rarely set aside time to focus on your partner or friends, you may lose connections.
Boundaries that are too flexible are common in people who identify as 'people pleasers'. You may have this mindset if you fear rejection and want to fit in.
Adverse side effects of having boundaries that are too flexible:
- You may feel depressed and burnt out, constantly changing your boundaries to benefit others. For example, you may take on all the responsibilities in a relationship.
- You are making yourself more susceptible to people who take advantage of you if you compromise your boundaries for theirs.
- You may be more likely to overshare with strangers, which can have adverse effects.
Shifting boundaries
As discussed, boundaries shouldn't be final. Boundaries adjust and shift to match the flow of relationships. As situations change, your boundaries will need to change with them. For example, when you start a job, you may be happy to take on extra work and shifts to support a promotion. If it ends up that you don't get the promotion after a long while doing extra work, your boundaries should then shift back to your job role. Another example is when you are having a generally stress-free time (we can all dream), you may be happy to offer a lot of emotional support to a friend going through a hard time. But If your situation were to change, for example, you have just had a relationship breakdown, your boundaries should shift to the amount of time you can put into your friend who wants emotional support, as it's now your turn to get some back.
How to set and keep boundaries
The first stage of setting boundaries is discovering your wants and needs in relationships and work. You must know your needs and ask for them to be met. Here are some great questions to ask yourself that will aid you in discovering what your wants and needs are:
- What behaviours have people exhibited in the past that I didn't like?
- What behaviours have people exhibited in the past that I did like?
- What do I enjoy doing with my spare time?
- What things make me feel emotionally charged? (e.g. rest, exercise, socialising)
- What are some of the qualities that other people have that I like?
- When someone upsets me, or I am feeling depressed and burnt out – what things could I have avoided to prevent this from happening?
Once you learn these things about yourself, you can start thinking about what boundaries you must establish to feel fulfilled. For example, if you know that you need at least one evening to yourself a week to decompress, you can start setting the boundary that you won't see friends or family on a particular night.
Now that you know more about yourself and your boundaries, you must know how to set them. Learning to effectively communicate your boundaries is one of the most important parts of boundary-setting. Take your time to think about the recipient of the boundaries and how it is best to communicate with them? Think about timing and wording – don't wait until you are mad or angry to communicate your boundaries aggressively.
It is always best to use 'I' statements when communicating boundaries. For example, instead of saying to your boss, 'You make me feel uncomfortable when you hug me', say, 'I feel more comfortable with handshakes than hugs'. Allow the recipient of the boundary to have space to question you further to understand why you are setting the boundary, and also give them time to process this. Especially if it is a new boundary. For example, you could tell your partner that you want to stay at your own home 3 nights a week when previously you have been spending every night with them. They may take this personally at first, but if you allow them time to process and ask further questions, they will be able to understand that it is nothing personal; you are just setting this boundary to support your own emotional needs and to show up better in the relationship in the future.
Enforcing your boundaries
Only some people in your life will always keep to the boundaries you set. This is normal and natural; sometimes it's done by accident and in the worst case, someone may purposely be testing your boundaries. If you find someone or people are constantly crossing your limits, the best way to enforce them is to first start gently reminding them of your boundaries for example, you could say to your mum, 'I really appreciate you popping over last night, but just to remind you I would like it for people to ask first before coming over as it helps me to organise my time better'.
If gently reminding someone of your boundary isn't working, you need to communicate with them the consequences of consistently overstepping. Following on from the earlier example, if your mum persists on coming over unannounced, you could say to her, 'As we discussed previously, I really appreciate you making an effort and coming over, but I need you to check with me first if I am available. This is important to me; I must take the spare key back if it keeps happening.
Finally, remember to only state consequences that you are willing to uphold. For example, if you keep telling your mum that you will take away her spare key, without taking away the spare key, she will continue the behaviour. If you couldn't take the spare key back, you could adjust the consequence to something you are more comfortable with. For example, she was told that she could only stay ten minutes as the visit wasn't planned.
Final note
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you are not used to doing so. Firstly, spend time getting to know what your boundaries are and then start setting them. Always remember that boundaries can become unhealthy if they are too rigid or too flexible, and they are always adapting and shifting depending on the situation. And it is always important to enforce your boundaries and keep them. Setting boundaries can be hard but will result in so many rewards, both in your relationships with others and with yourself.
Good luck on your journey. As always, remember to reach out to your surgery's social prescriber to keep us updated on how it's going or if you need any more detailed support.
SMART GOAL TO WORK ON YOUR BOUNDARIES
Write a list of things that are important to you and start thinking about what boundaries you can set to achieve them
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Written by Josie Hopkins, Social prescriber for The Old School House Surgery (Great Bedwyn) and Burbage Surgery.
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