Being kind to yourself

One of the earliest lessons most human beings are taught is to be kind to others. We can all remember our families, parents’, carers telling us, even as toddlers – to be kind to our sibling, say thank you to this person, say nice things to others and so on. As soon as we become cognizant of others, it is ingrained in us by society to be nice to others. And not to say this isn’t a valuable lesson, but so often in society, we see contradicting messages regarding how we should treat ourselves. Suppose you take a close look at the subliminal messages. In that case, we see every day through the news, advertisements, and social media you will see a strong message that teaches people to abandon themselves and their needs to get by in life. This is likely why the excellent message of being kind has got so lost when it comes to being kind to ourselves.

Top signs you’re not being kind to yourself:

A general feeling of lack of control over your life

For those who have spent most of their lives focusing on being kind to others and their happiness, it can sometimes leave us feeling like our own needs are not being met. If you have prioritised others such as family, friends, kids and work, it can leave your own life in chaos. For example, you could have been so focused on meeting that deadline your manager has set that you’ve spent your spare time focusing on that and letting other essential things such as finances, diet, mental health and social time fall to the wayside.

Attracting negative or chaotic relationships

There are two sides to this coin. The first is that if you are not being kind to yourself and looking after yourself, you are likely to find that the side effects include a short temper, a struggle to trust others, difficulty self-regulating, sleep deprivation, and an inability to cope with other people and their emotions. All these side effects directly impact your relationship with loved ones.

The other side is that if you suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth, you’re more likely to attract a partner or friends who mirror this belief. If you are not kind to yourself, your expectations of others are more likely to be low, which has a direct impact on what you feel you deserve from relationships and friendships. Therefore, will be more willing to accept unacceptable behaviour. Keep posted for the future blog setting boundaries to help tackle this!

Unhealthy eating habits

When you are not kind to yourself, this can directly affect how you see yourself and can result in a distorted self-image. This could lead to over-exercising and undereating.

It also could result in you not feeling worthy of a healthy lifestyle and nourishing your body, leading to eating unhealthy foods or binging tendencies.

Masking your true self

You may be masking your true self if you try your hardest to conceal your vulnerability from others. You try to act in a way that will make people like you more. When you do this, you give yourself subliminal messages daily that who you are is not good enough. When you are kind to yourself, you will like yourself more and feel more comfortable to be who you truly are.

Okay, now we have established common signs you aren’t being kind to yourself – how do we improve on this?

Stop the self-criticism

Negative self-talk and image are among the main side effects of not being kind to yourself. But how do you tackle it? Firstly, learn to notice when you’re doing it. Sometimes, we have been so used to talking negatively to ourselves that we don’t even realise we do it. Start being more conscious of these thoughts and aware of when they come through. Awareness of our thoughts can take us out of the autopilot mode of naturally talking negatively to or about ourselves.

Then, figure out where this inner critic is coming from. For example, if you often find yourself saying you’re not good enough, pause and think – who was the first person who made me feel this way? Is it a beneficial thought to have, and how does it serve me? Exploring the origins of negative self-talk can make us able to reflect on the concept and allow us to separate them to their origins rather than accepting them as our own thoughts.

Another way to tackle negative thoughts is to change the narrative. If you find yourself saying things like ‘ I am not capable of this challenge’, challenge that thought and say, ‘What if I do amazing at this’. It takes practice, but the more you do this, the more you will change the narrative of your negative thoughts.

Surround yourself with positive vibes

The environment and information you take in will eventually affect how you think. One of the leading information inputs in the modern age is via social media. Currently, the average use of social media is 2 hours and 20 minutes daily. Although social media can be a positive and accessible way to engage with positive people and get support – there is also a dark side to social media. Reflect on the pages and the people you follow – do they make you feel good? Do they align with your beliefs? If you feel downbeat and self-conscious after ‘doom scrolling’ through peoples ‘highlights’, firstly, remind yourself that people don’t tend to post the hard times in their lives. You are only seeing a small part of their story. Secondly, don’t be afraid to do a cull of who you are engaging with; unfollow those pages that set unrealistic expectations of people, asking you to join the ‘5am club’ and run 10 miles and meditate before your morning coffee. This will only make you feel bad that you cannot meet these requirements. Find pages that align with your life and show a realistic lifestyle. For example, if you are a single mum struggling to juggle all the responsibilities of your life, find an online community that is in the same position and shares practical, realistic information. If you have a long-term condition, find support groups and people who are in the same position as you and connect with them.

We all sometimes find ourselves reflecting on the past and longing for previous times, such as past relationships and when we weighed 2 stones lighter. Our imagination can run wild and often makes us remember the past as better than it was. Social media puts a magnifying glass on this; being reminded every time we open the app of our ‘memories from this day 3 years ago’ can be nostalgic but can also prompt unfavourable comparisons to our past lives. A great tool on Instagram is the ‘archive’ button. Here, you can archive your photos to look back at them if you choose, but they are taken off your ‘main grid’, so you can decide when to look back at them. A great quote to remember is – ‘The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.’ Marcel Pagnol

Focus on self-care

Self-care is often so low down on people's lists of things to do (or not even on it) that we can go days, weeks, months or even years without practising it. We live in a society that prioritises long working hours and prime productivity; this can prevent us from taking some time out for self-care. However, by giving yourself breaks for self care you improve your overall productivity and avoid burnout. There are many benefits to self-care including;

Improved relationships, better self-esteem, higher productivity,  enhanced emotional well-being, prevention of burnout and stress-induced illness.

So, what is self-care? Self-care is doing something for yourself with no purpose or function but to make yourself feel better. This could be simple things such as having a long bath, cooking yourself your favourite meal, or if you’re facing your first single Valentine Day, buy yourself a gift and write yourself your own love letter. Overall, it's being kind to yourself. Start to see self-care as an essential part of your duties for the week. Schedule it in, tell your families and your friends that you have booked some time this week for self care, even ask them to contact you only in case of emergency – even better, put your phone on aeroplane mode (if you can of course). If someone asks you to do something for them at the same time, then say you’re busy, having plans with yourself shouldn’t be put to the wayside – the same way you wouldn’t want to cancel on something for a friend.

Self-care ideas;

-         Go for a nature walk and listen to a podcast

-         Meditate

-         Journal

-         Take a long bath

-         Treat yourself to that item of clothing you’ve been eyeing up for ages

-         Meet a friend for a coffee

-         Do a facemask and skincare routine (just a reminder that men can also do this – facemasks and good skin is not a gendered concept)

Self-gratification (be your own cheerleader)

In recent years, the benefits of practicing gratitude have become a common concept in pop culture. The benefits of practising gratitude include a reduction of depression and anxiety, improvement in sleep and many more. When we practice gratitude, our thoughts tend to steer towards being grateful for our families, health and jobs. And although these are beautiful things to be thankful for, why not start with ourselves? Self-gratification is an excellent way to be kind to yourself and help you to recognise your inner worth, beauty and strength.

Want more help but don't know where to start... lets do it together!

There is no time like the present to start being kinder to yourself, make it your top priority. Start today by putting pen to paper and making your list. If you are really struggling, remember you can always call your registered GP surgery to connect with your social prescriber. You and your social prescriber can grab a coffee and start brain storming all the ways in which you can start being kinder to yourself. We can even help you to source that pen and paper to get started on your list. Its never a bad day to start improving your life - the future you will thank you for it.

SMART GOAL TO START BEING KIND TO YOURSELF

1-      Write a list of all the things you love about yourself; this list may be short at first, but if you can, find just three things to start with. Each week, you will be more programmed to be aware of the positive things about yourself; add to the list. They can be as simple as you like, e.g. ‘I love that I’m a good listener’. When you’re feeling bad about yourself, look back at this list and remind yourself of how amazing you are.

2-      You could also write a list of all your achievements and goals you have accomplished.

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Written by Josie Hopkins, Social prescriber for The Old School House Surgery (Great Bedwyn) and Burbage Surgery.